Wednesday, July 16, 2008

How To Accessorize Your Movie: Storm Warning

I haven't had much time to watch movies of late, but I did come across this late one night:

Storm Warning is an Australian production, and after Wolf Creek I am rather fond of Aussie horror, it being the land of my upbringing and all - even when the horror is basically torture porn (a genre I don't much enjoy, since it is rarely done well).

I wasn't very fond of Storm Warning.

The story is the old hoary chestnut of the sweet young couple who lose their way while boating and land on a creepy island. They find a house, go inside, and when the people who own said house come home, turns out they are vicious drug dealers who like to torment, rape and kill for fun. Oh, and their dog has a taste for fresh human kills. Yummy.

I'm always a little puzzled at some of these torture-porn flicks.

See, the couple gets menaced, they are obviously in the hands of some nasty people who steal their clothes, point guns at them and make the cute French wife show off her naked butt. This, of course, gives free reign for said wife, who henceforth has been really wishy-washy, to suddenly go all MacGuyver and start creating incredible defensive weaponry designed to tear the bad guys into as many bloody chunks as possible.

Seems a little over the top to me.

Of course, none of this matters, because this movie is really about one thing: Defensive Jewelery.

Yes, you heard me.

So the guy in the picture above is the patriarch of the family, a disgusting redneck who has every intention of raping French wife. With this knowledge in mind, our enterprising heroine decides to make a lovely ring. But not just any ring. Picture something like this:

Except, go low budget, and imagine making it out of a rusty soup can lid.

And you KNOW from the second you see that thing exactly where it is going to be worn, which means for about the last half of the movie the plot goes completely out the window. Because you are just sitting there waiting for the inevitable meeting between the Patriarch and the Defensive Jewelery.

Which there is no picture of. Sorry. I know you are disappointed.

And that, kids, is how to accessorize a horror movie. Like all outfits, the basic is suddenly made, well, not fabulous, but fierce I guess, by the simple addition of the right accessories. Look, she's even wearing the proverbial Little Black Dress. Which is actually a long T-shirt, but still.

Don't try this at home, please.


Tenebrous Kate said...

>>the inevitable meeting between the Patriarch and the Defensive Jewelery


See, this movie proves yet again my theory that one should never, ever, ever go on trips that involve nature. Because nature will fuck your ass up, seriously. Why can't people just learn to vacation in cities, where it's safe and wonderful? Sheesh.

flightless said...

eeeep! Thank you for falling on yet another cinematic grenade. And LOLZ at the stock photo!

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad I was not eating clam chowder while reading this...


Kitty LeClaw said...

Ugh, I hate those long t-shirts! Especially the ones with elastic bottoms that look like giant mushrooms. Gross!

I will continue to avoid this title, based upon your review. I like my criminals to remain one-sided, thanks. Either you're a drug kingpin, or you're a torture king, but you don't get to be both.