Wednesday, July 16, 2008

How To Accessorize Your Movie: Storm Warning

I haven't had much time to watch movies of late, but I did come across this late one night:

Storm Warning is an Australian production, and after Wolf Creek I am rather fond of Aussie horror, it being the land of my upbringing and all - even when the horror is basically torture porn (a genre I don't much enjoy, since it is rarely done well).

I wasn't very fond of Storm Warning.

The story is the old hoary chestnut of the sweet young couple who lose their way while boating and land on a creepy island. They find a house, go inside, and when the people who own said house come home, turns out they are vicious drug dealers who like to torment, rape and kill for fun. Oh, and their dog has a taste for fresh human kills. Yummy.

I'm always a little puzzled at some of these torture-porn flicks.

See, the couple gets menaced, they are obviously in the hands of some nasty people who steal their clothes, point guns at them and make the cute French wife show off her naked butt. This, of course, gives free reign for said wife, who henceforth has been really wishy-washy, to suddenly go all MacGuyver and start creating incredible defensive weaponry designed to tear the bad guys into as many bloody chunks as possible.

Seems a little over the top to me.

Of course, none of this matters, because this movie is really about one thing: Defensive Jewelery.

Yes, you heard me.

So the guy in the picture above is the patriarch of the family, a disgusting redneck who has every intention of raping French wife. With this knowledge in mind, our enterprising heroine decides to make a lovely ring. But not just any ring. Picture something like this:

Except, go low budget, and imagine making it out of a rusty soup can lid.

And you KNOW from the second you see that thing exactly where it is going to be worn, which means for about the last half of the movie the plot goes completely out the window. Because you are just sitting there waiting for the inevitable meeting between the Patriarch and the Defensive Jewelery.

Which there is no picture of. Sorry. I know you are disappointed.

And that, kids, is how to accessorize a horror movie. Like all outfits, the basic is suddenly made, well, not fabulous, but fierce I guess, by the simple addition of the right accessories. Look, she's even wearing the proverbial Little Black Dress. Which is actually a long T-shirt, but still.

Don't try this at home, please.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

The Yakuza: Fashion Warriors

Last night I watched Noboru Iguchi's film The Machine Girl.

I'm not going to attempt to review it - I think Tenebrous Kate already did a fine job of that - but this movie, paired with one of my favorites, Ichi the Killer, left me with one thought in mind: I want to be Yakuza.

And not necessarily because of the life of crime or random violence or flashing katanas or the sheer cold-bloodedness one needs to be able to fry the hands of schoolgirls in sizzling tempura batter, or feed someone's fingers to them on top of sushi. Oh no.

It's because according to manga, when you are Yakuza, you get to dress like this:

And absolutely NOBODY will tell you that you look like an explosion of a high school production of "Guys and Dolls." No one will tell you that you look like a gay extra from Dick Tracy, or I'm Gonna Get You Sucka. Because if they do, you can just take an entire roomful of people out and never get a speck on your red velvet coat.

Not that the arterial spray would show up on red.

Actually, no, scratch that. I want to be a Yakuza Ninja.

Then I could be in a gang that wears matching superhero outfits.

And best of all, I could wear a Drill Bra, and go around hugging people who pissed me off.

Gives a whole new definition to the saying "killing with kindness."

* Thanks to Tenebrous Kate for a couple of the pictures.